I’ve spent the past few days writing and discarding a post about what I hate about being fat. But what it comes down to is that I don’t like having a reason to dislike myself. I don’t like talking negatively about my body, which I’ve been doing for decades. The problem is that no matter how much I practice positive self-talk, when the button on my jeans is biting into my stomach, it’s hard to say, “I’m beautiful.”
Forget that society has a prejudice against the un-airbrushed body. Pretend I don’t hear disparaging comments on an almost daily basis. Ignore that I can’t even buy work out clothes at Target. If I can’t say nice things about myself, I’m failing at the kind of life I want.
I want to be healthy, the kind of person who walks because it’s close enough, rather than drives because walking will take longer. I’ve been there before, and I let it slip away. I ate and lazed away every pound I’ve put on, and I’m not okay with it anymore.
I am not defined only by how I look or the number on a scale, but feeling unhealthy leaves me feeling self-conscious. Instead of feeling like a failure, I’m going to work hard to make positive changes. It’s not going to be easy. I’m going to have bad days, but I will get past them. Starting today, I’m going to reach for the life I want, and grab it.
Mandy Masala 
Yes. I understand. As long as I don’t take a picture of myself or catch a glimpse in a full-length mirror, I can tell myself I’m okay, but when my clothes don’t fit, I start all the trash talking to myself. And it sucks. I know I’ll never be a size 2 or 6 or whatever is “supposed” to be right. I may not even meet any kind of “healthy” BMI standard. But I want to be healthy and have more energy and feed my body good things. I started the year off okay and then I got sick, so I’ve been two weeks out of the minimal routine I had established. Back to the beginning tomorrow.
And for the record, I think you’re beautiful. 🙂
Thanks, Lisa. Ditto! Good luck getting back on the wagon.